Am I offending you?

*Warning. This blog post contains some mild vulgarity and the use of alcohol and tobacco.

As a poor, car-less college student, sometimes public transportation becomes a necessity. On this particular afternoon, I was standing at a bus stop, waiting for the already late bus to arrive so I could go to the mall. It was snowing and cold. Next to me was a young man and a young woman, both in their early twenties. They were clearly Asian and were speaking to each other in what could have been Chinese, Japaneses... something like that. An oriental language that I didn't know. After several minutes of waiting, the guy asked me if I was taking their same bus, which I was, and he told me they had been waiting for over an hour. Weird... but the public transit system was nothing if unreliable.

After a few minutes had passed, another guy in his early twenties showed up. I didn't watch him ride up on his bike, but I did watch him lower the bike to the ground, lurch off it and put his brown paper grocery bag on the ground. As he did so, the sound of glass clanked together. Next, he staggered over to the signpost which has the bus times posted. He then kind of straightened up and lurched over to us, asking us if we were going on the bus he was taking in a very slurred voice. We nodded in affirmative. The other guy, who I later learned was Freddy, and I exchanged looks of, "Wow... could he be more wasted?"

A few minutes passed, during which this drunk fellow proceeded to struggled with lighting his cigarette. A few moments later, he stumbled back over to us.

"What does BYU stand for?" he asked. Due to the ruckus of traffic behind him and the slurred nature of his speach, I just stared at him blankly. "Does it stand for B****** You Ugly."

I am not responding to that.

"You don't go there, do you?" he asked, stepping closer.

I glared at him and responded that, yes, in fact, I did.

He smiled. "Oh, that's cool." He started to leave, but then changed his mind, "So, you don't believe in alcohol or drugs or smoking or penetration or any of that stuff, do you?"

I responded, "Uh, no, we don't."

"And you have all that approved housing and stuff, don't you? Men's housing and women's housing, but no co-ed housing."

I nodded.

"So, where do you live, men or women?"

Seriously, buddy? "Women."

"And you can't have overnight guests can you?"

"Well, if they're women."

"Oh." He looks at me, "That's probably good enough for you."

Perv.

He wanders away.

He came back, multiple times with varying comments about BYU. Then, the subject changed.

"So, what's your name?"

I am NOT giving you my real name. "Jane," I responded.

"Oh..." He looked kind of disappointed, "That's my mom's name. That's kind of a turn off."

He wanders away, but of course he comes back.

"You know, I like your style. You just sit here and listen to me. Am I offending you?"

I stare at him.

"I had a little bit of malt whiskey, so I might be offending you."

A little bit?

He turned his back and wandered away. His t-shirt was sporting the image of a pot leaf.

He came back.

"Does the fact that I have a pot leaf on my back offend you?"

"I don't care what you have on your back."

"Pot grows from the ground. Like grass. If grass was illegal, this whole city would be in prison."

Wanders away. Comes back.

"I like your braces. They're a nice color. Are you going to Salt Lake? Sandy?"

I hesitated. Where would make a good story? Also, how was I to know he wouldn't follow me off the bus no matter where I got off?

He looked at me and his face turned kind of sour, "You seem indecisive. I don't like that. It seems like you don't want to tell me where you're going."

Now, what could ever give you an idea like that?

"Are you married?"

Over his shoulder, a cop car pulled up to the curb. Out stepped an officer.

He started babbling some question about who would I rather marry when the police officer tapped the man and pulled him aside. Whilst the officer was questioning our dear drunk friend, the bus pulled up, I boarded, and the bus pulled away.

Rachel's tip... for life:

Getting drunk isn't going to help you pick up chicks at the bus stop. Just sayin'.

Best wishes,

Rachel